Why the Holidays Trigger Grief (Even Years Later)
The holidays have a way of bringing grief to the surface, even when you thought you'd "moved on." Whether you've lost a loved one, ended a significant relationship, or are mourning the family you wish you had, the season can feel like it rips the wound wide open again.
If you're struggling with grief during the holidays, you might feel like you're supposed to be "over it" by now. But grief doesn't follow a timeline. The holidays intensify loss in ways that can feel unbearable and it's not because you're doing something wrong.
Someone sitting alone.
Why the Holidays Intensify Grief
Grief during the holidays isn't just about missing someone, it's about the sensory, emotional, and cultural reminders that surround you everywhere:
Traditions tied to memory: Every tradition you once shared, decorating the tree, baking specific foods, attending certain events, becomes a reminder of absence. These rituals were once sources of connection; now they highlight what's missing.
The illusion of togetherness: The holidays center around family and connection. When you've lost someone, the emphasis on "being together" can make you feel isolated in your grief. Everyone else seems to have what you're missing.
Anniversary grief: For some, the holidays mark the anniversary of a loss or the last time you were together. These dates anchor grief in a way that makes it feel fresh again, no matter how much time has passed.
Pressure to be joyful: When the world expects you to feel festive, there's often shame attached to your sadness. You might feel like you're ruining things for others or that you should "snap out of it."
Complicated feelings: Grief isn't always straightforward. You might feel relief, anger, guilt, or numbness alongside sadness, especially if the relationship was complicated or the loss came after years of caregiving or conflict.
Common Experiences of Holiday Grief
If you're grieving during the holidays, you might notice:
Unexpected emotional waves: You might be fine one moment and overwhelmed the next. Certain songs, smells, or conversations can trigger intense emotions without warning.
Difficulty participating: Even simple holiday activities can feel impossible. You might cancel plans, avoid gatherings, or go through the motions while feeling emotionally checked out.
Anger or resentment: Watching others celebrate can bring up frustration. "Why do they get to be happy when I'm in so much pain?"
Guilt for feeling okay: On days when grief isn't as heavy, you might feel guilty—as if feeling better means you're forgetting or betraying the person you lost.
Physical exhaustion: Grief lives in your body. You might feel constantly tired, achy, or sick during the holidays.
Longing for the past: Even if past holidays weren't perfect, you might find yourself idealizing them because at least the person was there.
These experiences aren't signs that you're stuck or broken. They're the reality of navigating loss in a season that refuses to make space for grief.
How to Cope with Holiday Grief
coping with loss during holidays
Coping with grief during the holidays isn't about "getting through it" or forcing yourself to feel festive. It's about honoring your loss while also taking care of yourself. Here's what can help:
Let yourself grieve on your own terms: You don't owe anyone a performance of joy. If you need to skip certain traditions, leave events early, or spend time alone, that's okay. Your grief matters more than other people's comfort.
Create new ways to honor the loss: Lighting a candle, writing a letter, visiting a meaningful place, or simply setting aside time to feel your feelings can help you acknowledge the loss without pretending it's not there.
Talk about the person you lost: If it feels right, share memories with people who knew them. Sometimes the fear of "bringing others down" keeps us silent but talking about who we lost can actually help us feel less alone.
Acknowledge complicated feelings: If your grief includes anger, relief, or ambivalence, those feelings are valid too. Grief isn't always about missing someone, it can also be about mourning what never was or finally letting go of something that hurt you.
Limit exposure to triggering situations: You don't have to attend every gathering or answer every "how are you?" with "I'm fine." Protect your energy by choosing carefully where and how you engage.
Give yourself permission to feel joy too: If you laugh, enjoy a moment, or feel okay for a while, that doesn't mean you've forgotten. Grief and joy can coexist.
How Therapy Helps You Heal Through Holiday Grief
Grief therapy provides a space where your loss is met with compassion and where there's no pressure to "move on" or "be positive." In therapy, we work together to:
Process the layers of grief: Grief isn't just sadness, it's anger, guilt, longing, relief, and so much more. Therapy helps you untangle these emotions and understand what you're really feeling.
Heal trauma connected to loss: If the loss was sudden, traumatic, or followed by complicated circumstances, trauma therapy helps your nervous system process what happened so the grief doesn't stay stuck in your body.
Navigate complicated family dynamics: If you're grieving someone you had a difficult relationship with, or if family members aren't honoring your grief, therapy helps you make sense of the confusion and set boundaries where needed.
Find meaning without forcing closure: Therapy helps you integrate loss into your life in a way that honors both the pain and the love. You don't have to "get over it", you learn to carry it differently.
Regulate your nervous system: Grief activates stress responses that can leave you feeling overwhelmed and dysregulated. Through somatic therapy and IFS, we help your body feel safer so you can grieve without being consumed by it.
If grief is making the holidays feel unbearable, therapy can help. You don't have to carry this alone, and you don't have to pretend you're okay when you're not.
Therapy intensives in Raleigh, Pittsburgh and across NC, SC, PA.
I specialize in trauma therapy and grief support for adults in NC, SC, and PA. Whether you're navigating recent loss or grief that's been with you for years, I'm here to help you find your way through.
[Schedule a free consultation] to explore how therapy can support you through this season.
Mariah J. Zur, LPC is a licensed trauma therapist with expertise supporting clients in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Pennsylvania. She specializes in trauma-informed therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), narcissistic abuse recovery, and trauma intensives. Using evidence-based approaches, Mariah helps clients heal from childhood trauma, toxic relationships, emotional exhaustion, and functional freeze. At Zen with Zur, she is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both online and through intensive sessions for clients across NC, SC, and PA.
