How to Deal with Trauma: Useful Ways to Heal and Move On
How to treat childhood trauma in adults? Keep reading.
Trauma can be hard to handle. Here are some simple steps to help you cope.
Talk About Your Feelings: Share what you feel with someone you trust. It can help to express your emotions.
Practice Self-Care: Take care of your body and mind. Eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep.
Try Mindfulness: Focus on the present. Mindfulness exercises, like deep breathing, can calm your mind.
Set Small Goals: Take small steps to feel better. Set easy tasks that you can manage each day.
Seek Professional Help: If you need more support, talk to a therapist or counselor. They can guide you through your feelings.
Connect with Others: Spend time with friends or family. Support from loved ones can make a big difference.
Remember, healing takes time. Be patient with yourself.
Imagine Your Life is a House.
One day, without warning, a storm tears through, shattering windows, flooding rooms, ripping off the roof. You do your best to clean up, patch the walls, and move on... but the foundation? It’s cracked. And no matter how many throw pillows or fresh coats of paint you try, something always feels unstable. That’s what trauma does. It shakes you at the core, quietly, invisibly and healing means rebuilding from the inside out, not just covering the damage.
Trauma is more than a "bad memory" or a rough patch you’re supposed to get over. It rewires how you think, feel, and react. If you don’t understand it, you might spend years stuck in survival mode, feeling disconnected, exhausted, or like something’s “off.”
This guide breaks down what trauma actually is, how it impacts your body and mind, and most importantly how to start feeling better. Whether you're navigating the aftermath of childhood trauma, toxic relationships, or a recent traumatic event, you're in the right place.
What Is Trauma and How Does It Show Up?
Trauma can stem from one intense event, a series of painful experiences, or long-term exposure to emotional harm. Think: car accidents, betrayal, chronic neglect, emotional abuse, or unsafe home environments. Trauma doesn’t have to be dramatic to be damaging, sometimes it’s the slow, subtle erosion of your sense of safety.
Common Types of Trauma Events
Acute Trauma: A one-time incident like an accident or assault that leaves a lasting emotional imprint.
Chronic Trauma: Repeated exposure to distressing situations, such as bullying, domestic violence, or growing up in chaos.
Complex Trauma: Layers of trauma, often from childhood and close relationships. It impacts identity, trust, and emotional regulation.
Recognizing the type of trauma you’ve experienced helps you find the support and strategies that actually work.
Can EMDR be done virtually? Yes, absolutely.
Signs You Might Be Dealing with Trauma & How To Cure Trauma
Trauma doesn’t always scream. Sometimes, it whispers through your habits, energy, and relationships. These symptoms can show up long after the trauma itself.
Mental and Emotional Signs
Constant anxiety or dread
Depression or emotional numbness
Flashbacks, nightmares, or intrusive memories
Disconnection from others or from yourself
Overthinking, perfectionism, or trouble concentrating
Physical Symptoms
Trouble sleeping or vivid nightmares
Chronic fatigue or burnout
Appetite swings (eating too much or not at all)
Tight chest, racing heart, or muscle tension
If any of this sounds familiar, your nervous system may be stuck in a state of survival. And there are ways out.
Coping Skills for Trauma That Actually Help: Coping with a Traumatic Event
You don’t need a perfect morning routine or a year-long retreat. Start with real, doable tools that support your nervous system and help you feel safe again.
If trauma feels like crossing a wobbly rope bridge every day, adaptive coping strategies are like adding support beams underneath, tools like mindfulness, support systems, and journaling don’t erase the fear, but they make the crossing sturdier. In one study of emergency responders, folks constantly living in the red zone, those who used adaptive strategies like problem-solving and emotional expression had way fewer trauma symptoms. These tools actually worked to stabilize their minds (source).
1. Mindfulness and Grounding
Practices like deep breathing, meditation, or simply naming five things you see can help pull you out of fight-or-flight and into the present moment. Grounding is a core skill in trauma recovery, proven to reduce reactivity and improve emotional regulation (source).
2. Journaling
Expressive writing, without censorship, can help process difficult emotions. It also boosts trauma-coping self-efficacy, which is linked to better emotional outcomes and reduced PTSD symptoms (source). Try prompts like: “What am I holding in right now?” or “What does my body need from me today?”
3. Movement
Movement is medicine. Whether it's yoga, stretching, or a walk around the block, physical activity helps discharge stress hormones and regulate your nervous system. Studies show it plays a key role in managing occupational trauma and burnout, especially among first responders (source).
4. Sleep Hygiene
Quality sleep supports brain healing. A consistent nighttime routine, like reducing screen time, adding soft lighting, and using calming scents, can improve sleep and decrease trauma-related fatigue. Poor sleep is often tied to increased symptoms of PTSD and depression (source).
5. Boundaries
Boundaries protect your energy and teach your nervous system safety. Saying "no" to draining people or commitments is a powerful, adaptive coping mechanism that supports resilience and emotional stability (source).
Why It Matters
Avoidance, overworking, numbing out with food or substances, they feel like they work... until they don’t. It’s like slapping duct tape over a hole in a leaking boat. You might stay afloat for now, but the longer you wait to fix the real damage, the faster that emotional water floods in. Research from the NIH found that these “quick fix” strategies, especially when formed early from childhood trauma, actually lead to worse mental health outcomes long-term (source).
You’re taught to put your own oxygen mask on first, but when you're in survival mode, asking for help feels impossible, or even dangerous. The truth? Strong social support isn’t a bonus; it’s a lifeline. Research shows it doesn't just feel good, it literally helps your brain regulate stress better and recover faster from trauma (source).
How to Get Trauma Support That Actually Works
You can start coping with trauma, but you don’t have to do this alone. Overcoming a traumatic event becomes more effective and sustainable when you have the right support system. According to the National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, about 7 or 8 out of every 100 people will experience PTSD at some point in their lives (source).
Find a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Look for someone trained in:
IFS (Internal Family Systems): Helps you explore the protective and wounded parts of yourself.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): Targets and processes traumatic memories
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): Reframes distorted thoughts and builds emotional regulation
You can also explore therapy intensives if weekly sessions don’t feel like enough. Trauma intensives are a quick pass on how to move on from trauma. Read more about my intensive therapy options by clicking the link above.
Join a Support Group
Shared experience = less shame. Group support creates community and helps normalize what you’re going through.
Build a Personal Support System
You don’t need a crowd, just one or two people who truly get you. Safe connection is a powerful part of trauma healing.
How to Help Someone with Trauma (Without Making It Worse)
Supporting someone with trauma takes more than good intentions. Here's what actually helps:
Listen without trying to fix
Validate their emotions without judgment
Avoid toxic positivity or minimizing statements
Offer concrete help—like childcare, errands, or company during hard moments
Respect their pace. Healing isn’t linear.
Moving On from Trauma Isn’t About Forgetting: How to deal with Trauma
Let’s be clear, healing isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about giving it less power. Trauma may be part of your story, but it doesn’t get to write the ending.
Start With This:
Accept what happened – without shame or self-blame
Stay present – using mindfulness, breathwork, or grounding tools
Create forward momentum – by setting small, meaningful goals
These shifts build emotional trust with yourself. That’s where real resilience begins.
Final Thoughts: Trauma Recovery Is Possible
You’re not broken. You’re a human who’s been through too much, without the right tools or support.
That can change. You can feel lighter. You can trust yourself again. Let's get you the support for trauma that you need. There is trauma help available online in Pennsylvania and across Pennsylvania. We can learn together how to cope with a traumatic event.
I specialize in helping adults recover from toxic relationships, childhood trauma, and emotional burnout. If you're ready to stop surviving and start rebuilding, book a consultation today.
Because you don’t have to heal alone and the right kind of help changes everything.
Trauma therapist in Pittsburgh and across Pennsylvania. Accepting new clients for trauma intensives.
If you’re struggling to move forward from a toxic relationship, let’s work together. I offer online trauma therapy and intensives across Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and all of Pennsylvania.
Join me on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Google orTikTok for more educational tips & updates!
Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.
About the Author: Mariah J. Zur, LPC is a trauma-informed therapist based in Pennsylvania, specializing in childhood trauma recovery, emotional healing, and helping individuals break free from toxic relationship patterns. With over 10 years of experience, Mariah uses evidence-based approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and trauma intensives to guide her clients through their healing journey. Passionate about empowering women to reclaim their emotional freedom, Mariah provides virtual and in-person therapy in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and across Pennsylvania. When she's not in the therapy room, she’s advocating for mental health awareness and supporting others in their personal transformation.
Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP.
Trauma Therapy Explained
What is trauma therapy in Pittsburgh? Online trauma intensives in Pittsburgh and across Pennsylvania.
Table of Contents
Trauma Therapy Explained: What It Is, Why It’s Hard, and How Trauma-Informed Care Helps You Heal
Let’s be honest, when you start searching for trauma therapy, the jargon can feel almost as overwhelming as the healing itself.
Trauma-focused therapy. Trauma-informed care. Adult trauma therapy.
It’s enough to make your head spin when you’re already carrying a lot. You don’t need another page of psychobabble. You need someone to break it down for you, plain and simple. Keep reading, that’s what I am about to do for you.
What is Trauma-Focused Therapy?
Trauma-focused therapy is exactly what it sounds like: therapy that puts your trauma front and center instead of tiptoeing around it.
The goal isn’t to rehash every painful memory. It’s to help you understand how your trauma shaped you and give you real tools to heal. Therapists might use methods like EMDR, IFS (Internal Family Systems), or somatic work to help you process what happened, instead of just talking about it endlessly.
Instead of asking, “How does that make you feel?” a trauma-focused therapist might help you notice how your body tightens up when you talk about certain memories and guide you through releasing that tension safely.
And here’s why it matters:
Research shows that unresolved childhood trauma can lead to serious long-term impacts. For example, women with childhood trauma histories often experience a more severe course of bipolar disorder, leading to higher hospitalization rates (Şahin et al., 2021). That’s not just a small ripple effect, it's a tidal wave that can change the entire course of someone's adult life.
What is Trauma-Informed Therapy?
While trauma-focused therapy is a specific treatment style, trauma-informed therapy is a mindset every good therapist should have, no matter what you’re working on.
Trauma-informed care principles include:
Safety: You get to move at your own pace.
Trustworthiness: Your therapist keeps it real and transparent.
Peer support: You’re not treated like a “case” you’re seen as a human.
Collaboration: Your voice matters in every step of the process.
Empowerment: You’re not broken. You’re healing.
In trauma-informed therapy, you’re not pushed, judged, or rushed.
You're offered choices and respect because healing isn’t one-size-fits-all.
Example of trauma-informed care: Instead of forcing you to talk about something painful, a therapist might say, “We can pause here. Would you like to stay with this feeling, shift gears, or wrap up for today?”
This approach isn't just about feeling good in the moment.
It's about recognizing that early adverse experiences, like childhood abuse or neglect, can even impair cognitive functions like memory and attention later in life, even in otherwise healthy adults (Majer et al., 2010).
In other words: trauma affects how your brain works long after the danger is over. Yep, you read that right!
What is Trauma Therapy?
Trauma therapy is a bigger umbrella term that covers all kinds of healing work related to trauma. It can help you if you’re dealing with things like:
PTSD
Anxiety and panic attacks
Toxic relationship patterns
Childhood emotional neglect
Chronic overthinking, guilt, or shame
Good trauma therapy doesn’t just teach you how to "cope" better.
It helps you reconnect with yourself and rebuild the parts that trauma tried to tear down.
Here in Pittsburgh and across Pennsylvania, more clients are asking for therapists trained in trauma-informed care because they know that true healing needs more than just “tools” it needs a therapist who actually gets it.
And there’s another reason early support matters:
Studies show that the severity of childhood trauma directly increases the risk of developing serious health conditions later, including obesity and hypertension (Lee et al., 2014). It’s not "just in your head", your body carries the weight of trauma too.
Why is Trauma Therapy So Hard?
Here’s the honest answer most people don’t say out loud:
Trauma therapy is hard because it’s asking you to feel things you’ve spent your whole life trying not to feel.
It’s hard because your brain learned survival habits, like shutting down, people-pleasing, or dissociating, for a reason. When you start healing, you’re peeling those layers back. And sometimes, that hurts.
Hard doesn’t mean wrong, though.
With trauma-informed care examples like going slow, building trust, and celebrating tiny wins, the process becomes more human and less overwhelming. You don't have to bulldoze your way through it (even though your trauma is going to want you to have a plan to fix it fast, that’s normal). You’re allowed to heal at your own damn pace.
What is Trauma Therapy for Adults?
Trauma therapy for adults deals with the messy, complicated ways old wounds show up in your grown-up life.
Maybe you find yourself:
Attracting toxic partners over and over again
Freaking out over “small” things but feeling numb during “big” ones
Sabotaging success because part of you feels like you don't deserve it
Trauma therapy for adults focuses on helping you break free from patterns that aren’t your fault, but are your responsibility to heal now.
Using trauma-informed care 5 principles, safety, trust, peer support, collaboration, and empowerment, therapy can help you stop surviving and start living. Organizations like SAMHSA emphasize the importance of trauma-informed care principles across all healthcare settings, not just mental health.
You don’t have to be stuck in survival mode forever. There’s another way forward.
Signs You Might Benefit from Trauma Therapy
What is trauma therapy for adults?
You don't have to hit "rock bottom" to start healing.
If any of these sound familiar, trauma therapy could help:
You feel stuck repeating the same toxic patterns
You have a hard time trusting people (even if you want to)
You either feel too much or nothing at all
You struggle with anxiety, panic, or chronic stress
You feel exhausted by trying to "hold it all together" all the time
You intellectually know you’re safe, but your body still feels on edge
If you're nodding along, you're not broken. You’re in the right space and should probably book a FREE 15 minute call with me so we can get started. You’re just carrying old survival patterns that therapy can help untangle, safely, gently, and at your pace.
You’re Stronger Than You Think
If no one else has told you this yet: You’re not crazy for struggling. You’re courageous for even thinking about healing.
Whether you need trauma-informed care in Pittsburgh or you’re tuning in from across Pennsylvania, know this:
Healing is brutal & messy sometimes, but it’s also breathtaking.You don’t have to figure it out alone.
If you’re ready to work with someone who meets you with trauma-informed care, deep respect, and real talk, Book a free consultation today.
You deserve to feel safe in your own skin again.
FAQ Section: Trauma Therapy and Trauma-Informed Care
What are the five principles of trauma-informed care?
The five core principles are safety, trustworthiness, peer support, collaboration, and empowerment. These trauma-informed care principles guide how therapists create a healing environment that respects your pace and protects your dignity.
How does trauma therapy help adults heal from childhood trauma?
Trauma therapy helps adults recognize and unlearn survival patterns they developed as children. It rebuilds trust in themselves and others, helping them feel safer, calmer, and more connected — not just survive, but actually thrive.
What’s the difference between trauma-focused therapy and trauma-informed therapy?
Trauma-focused therapy is a direct treatment targeting trauma itself (like EMDR or IFS). Trauma-informed therapy, meanwhile, is an overall approach that respects trauma’s impact but doesn’t necessarily focus only on trauma in every session.
Why is trauma therapy so emotionally difficult?
Healing often means facing feelings you learned to avoid just to survive. Trauma therapy gently reintroduces those emotions with new tools, creating space for you to experience them safely, without judgment or overwhelm.
Can trauma therapy improve physical health too?
Yes. Studies show trauma therapy can lower risks associated with childhood trauma, such as metabolic syndrome, hypertension, and chronic stress-related illnesses. Healing your mind often leads to healing your body too.
Why is Trauma Therapy So Hard? Online trauma intensives in Pittsburgh and across Pennsylvania.
If you’re struggling to move forward from a toxic relationship, let’s work together. I offer virtual trauma therapy and intensives across Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and all of Pennsylvania.
Join me on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Google orTikTok for more educational tips & updates!
Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.
About the Author: Mariah J. Zur, LPC is a trauma-informed therapist based in Pennsylvania, specializing in childhood trauma recovery, emotional healing, and helping individuals break free from toxic relationship patterns. With over 10 years of experience, Mariah uses evidence-based approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and trauma intensives to guide her clients through their healing journey. Passionate about empowering women to reclaim their emotional freedom, Mariah provides virtual and in-person therapy in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and across Pennsylvania. When she's not in the therapy room, she’s advocating for mental health awareness and supporting others in their personal transformation.
Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP.
How Childhood Trauma Affects Adulthood: Breaking Free from Emotional Survival Mode with IFS Therapy
How do I know if I have repressed memories from childhood trauma? Keep reading.
How Childhood Trauma Affects Adulthood
You may have had the perfect childhood on paper, good grades, a stable home, and everything you physically needed. But beneath the surface, you knew something wasn’t right, something was off, you just couldn’t put your thumb on it. Anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional overload were your constant companions. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Childhood trauma often lurks in the shadows, quietly affecting our lives long after we leave home. It’s time to stop ignoring the emotional weight of the past and start healing. As explained by The Trauma and Mental Health Report, unresolved childhood trauma can deeply affect emotional regulation, making it challenging for adults to manage stress and form healthy relationships. So, let’s get into understanding how this is impacting you as an adult.
In this post, we’ll talk about how childhood trauma, often overlooked and unaddressed, shows up in adulthood, why it’s so impactful, and how therapy, particularly IFS (Internal Family Systems), can help break the cycle of trauma. You’ll also learn how trauma intensives can get you where you want to be in your healing journey, as soon as one day not months of therapy.
The Hidden Epidemic: Understanding the Impact of Childhood Trauma
What is trauma treatment? Keep reading.
What is Childhood Trauma?
Childhood trauma isn't always what you think. It can show up in a variety of ways, emotional neglect, physical abuse, or exposure to unhealthy home dynamics. Unfortunately, many of these experiences go unnoticed, especially when we’re expected to “just move on” or “brush things under the rug.” But those experiences leave deep emotional scars (often the ones we can’t put our finger on but we feel off"), and often, repressed memories of these events continue to affect us in adulthood. It shows up like failed or toxic relationships and overextending yourself at work or in relationships. Research from the National Institute of Mental Health shows that childhood trauma is a significant risk factor for developing PTSD and other mental health disorders later in life, highlighting the importance of early intervention and healing.
So, what if you’re 40 and reading this? It’s never too late to start healing. Honestly, it’s better to start now than be 60, looking back and thinking, ‘What the hell did I just do with my life?’ Because, in reality, you’ve probably been surviving, not really living, and you might not have fully realized it yet. I see it all the time in my therapy room with women just like you. It’s never too late to wake up and start living the life you deserve.
How Does Trauma Affect Adults?
As a child, you might not have the tools or vocabulary to process the pain you felt or even realize what was happening, and as an adult, that unaddressed trauma can carry over into everyday life. You may struggle with chronic anxiety, people-pleasing behavior, or feeling emotionally disconnected from those around you. It’s no wonder you feel stuck. These are some of the common ways childhood trauma affects adults and they can affect every part of your life, from relationships to mental health.
Key Signs of Childhood Trauma in Adulthood
Here are some of the common signs:
Emotional numbness: You might feel disconnected from your emotions or others.
Chronic fatigue: You’re constantly exhausted, both physically and mentally, from suppressing emotional pain.
A constant need for approval: If you struggle to feel accepted or “good enough,” it’s likely connected to unresolved trauma.
How Does Adult Attachment Styles Impact Trauma Recovery?
Research shows that people who experience childhood abuse or neglect are more likely to develop insecure attachment styles as adults. These insecure attachments, such as anxious or avoidant tendencies, often make it harder to heal from trauma. These attachment patterns can keep you locked in unhealthy cycles, perpetuating trauma in your relationships and emotional well-being. Fortunately, therapy, particularly IFS, can help you heal these attachment wounds, creating healthier emotional connections and breaking free from the grip of past trauma.
A recent study involving survivors of multiple childhood traumas explored the effectiveness of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy in treating Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
IFS Therapy for PTSD: The study found that IFS therapy was effective in reducing PTSD symptoms among individuals with a history of multiple childhood traumas.
Mechanism of Action: IFS therapy helps individuals identify and address different parts of themselves, facilitating healing by integrating these parts and resolving internal conflicts.
Implications for Treatment: The findings suggest that IFS therapy can be a valuable treatment option for those suffering from PTSD due to complex childhood trauma.
Yes you read that right, IFS THerapy can help you start living your life instead of just surviving and going through the motions. Repressed Memories: The Silent Burden of Childhood Trauma
What Are Repressed Memories?
Repressed memories are pieces of your past that your brain “locks away” to protect you from overwhelming emotional pain. You know, that heavy weight you’re constantly carrying that you can't put down, where every day is a struggle to manage the deep, unspoken hurt that affects every part of your life. But just because these memories are hidden doesn’t mean they’re not impacting you. In fact, they can resurface unexpectedly, often triggered by situations, people, or even physical sensations you don’t fully understand.
How Do Repressed Memories Impact Adult Behavior?
Repressed memories don’t just disappear. They can show up as sudden bursts of anger, anxiety, or sadness that seem out of place. These memories may affect your ability to trust others, feel safe, or connect emotionally with those around you. It’s common for people who’ve experienced childhood trauma to feel “stuck” in emotional survival mode, trying to protect themselves without even realizing the source of the pain.
How Repressed Memories Affected Me
I grew up in a home where I had everything I physically needed, good grades, married parents who were both employed, played sports year round. But emotionally, I felt unseen, unsupported. It wasn’t until my adult years that I started really started to look in the mirror and acknowledge my memories of feeling invisible, and those memories impacted how I connected with others. TONS OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS. Repressed memories aren't just forgotten, they haunt you until you address them. Emotional neglect can have lasting effects, which is why it's crucial to address it head-on. If you want to read more on how emotional neglect shapes your emotional health, check out my blog on understanding the effects of emotional neglect.
The Impact of Social Participation
Recent studies suggest that childhood adversity, like emotional neglect, often leads to depression in adulthood. Interestingly, social participation, such as spending time with friends or engaging in community activities, can help alleviate some of these depressive feelings. However, the key is balance. Excessive social engagement can trigger past trauma, while healthy, supportive connections help to reduce its impact. Therapy, including IFS, can help you navigate these complex social dynamics and heal from the emotional scars of your past.
A recent study involving 6,704 older adults examined how childhood adversity influences depression in later life and the role of social participation in this relationship.
Childhood Adversity and Depression: Individuals who experienced childhood adversity, such as poor family economic situations, caregiver depression, or lack of neighborhood support, were more likely to suffer from depression in older age.
Dose-Response Effect: The study found a "dose-response" effect, meaning that the more types of childhood adversity an individual experienced, the higher their depression scores in later life.
Social Participation as a Moderator: Engaging in social activities like visiting friends, participating in community events, or playing games helped reduce the negative impact of childhood adversity on depression. However, excessive social participation could exacerbate depression, especially if it triggered negative childhood memories.
Why I Understand and Am So Passionate About Helping Women Heal from Childhood Trauma
Why does childhood trauma affect adulthood? Keep reading. A trauma therapist explaining her own childhood trauma and how she healed through IFS therapy & trauma intensives.
Growing up, everything looked fine on the outside. Good grades, a roof over my head, and all the things people would think made up the perfect childhood. But on the inside? I was a mess. Anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional neglect were my constant companions, yet no one ever noticed. I was expected to be perfect, to keep it all together, to meet everyone else’s needs, but I didn’t even know who I was or how to ask for help. The disconnect between the perfect image I projected and the chaos I felt inside caused me years of struggles, emotionally and in my relationships.
It wasn’t until later in life, after years of working in mental health and doing my own healing, that I finally understood how deeply childhood trauma shapes us. It’s not just about surviving, it’s about really feeling, understanding, and healing the wounds that have been buried for so long. It’s a messy, sometimes painful journey. And that’s why I’m so passionate about helping women like me. Women who’ve been holding it together for everyone else while quietly falling apart inside.
Now, through trauma intensives, I’m able to guide others through this messy healing process. I help women break free from that constant emotional survival mode and really start to heal from the inside out. I’m not here to promise it will be easy, I’m here to help you face your trauma, navigate through it, and find real emotional freedom. Using tools like Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we’ll dig into the parts of you that have been holding onto pain you didn’t even realize was still there. Whether in person or virtually across Pennsylvania, I’m here to walk beside you as you reclaim your true self and create the emotional freedom you’ve been craving.
How is your childhood trauma impacting you? Take the quiz by clicking this link. IFS Therapy: The Key to Healing Childhood Trauma
What is IFS Therapy?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy views the mind as made up of different "parts," each representing different aspects of your psyche. These parts could include the “Inner Child,” “Protector,” or “Critic.” For those with childhood trauma, IFS helps identify and heal these parts, allowing you to integrate them and create a healthier, more balanced internal system. Read more about how I use this approach in my sessions.
How IFS Therapy Helps Heal Childhood Trauma
IFS works by recognizing the parts of you that are still carrying childhood wounds. The "Inner Child" may still feel neglected or misunderstood. The “Protector” part may have develoeped to shield you from pain. IFS helps you gently unblend from these parts and heal the underlying childhood trauma. In doing so, it allows you to reconnect with your authentic self.
According to the American Psychological Association, understanding the effects of childhood trauma and its impact on brain development is crucial in creating effective treatment strategies for those affected by past trauma. I guide you through this by providing some education in our sessions to help you make sense of what has really been happening (probably most of your life).
What is parts work in therapy? Keep reading.
My Journey with IFS Therapy
For me, IFS therapy helped me meet my “Inner Child” and finally provide the care she had missed. It wasn’t about addressing the perfectionist part of me, it was about integrating and healing the parts that had been neglected for so long. IFS and trauma intensives allowed me to reconnect with the parts of myself that had been hiding for years and start the process of real healing. I made a dramatic shift in my identity and life choices after 1 month of a trauma intensive.
If you’re ready to begin your healing journey, I offer trauma intensives online in Pennsylvania and individual therapy across PA to help you process and move past childhood trauma, using trauma-informed approaches like IFS therapy.
Trauma Intensives: Why Focused Healing Works
What are trauma intensives? Keep reading.
What Are Trauma Intensives?
Trauma intensives are longer therapy sessions that focus on deep healing in a condensed amount of time (3, 4 or 5 hour formats). My intensives combine IFS therapy, mindfulness, somatic techniques, and trauma-focused interventions to speed up the healing process.
How Trauma Intensives Accelerate Healing
Unlike traditional therapy, which may take years to have significant breakthroughs, trauma intensives offer focused, immersive experiences that facilitate rapid shifts in your healing. These sessions allow you to address unresolved trauma quickly, helping you make emotional breakthroughs that may have otherwise taken months or years in regular therapy.
Why You Should Consider a Trauma Intensive
If you’re feeling stuck in patterns that you are self-aware of (usually, childhood trauma), trauma intensives offer an effective way to break free from old emotional patterns in just one intensive. By dedicating several hours to intensive work, you can address long-held pain in a concentrated setting, leading to faster healing and emotional clarity.
Getting Started: Your First Steps Towards Healing
Identifying Your Trauma
Start by reflecting on your childhood experiences and identifying the pain you’re still carrying. It’s important to acknowledge the emotional pain you’ve experienced. Journaling or speaking with a therapist can help uncover those buried memories. It’s common to not remember much of your childhood due to childhood trauma. I’ll unpack this in a future blog. From a trauma perspective, it makes sense!
How to Use IFS Therapy for Healing
IFS encourages you to identify the "parts" of yourself that are still holding onto trauma, such as the “Perfectionist” or “Avoidant” parts. By unblending from these protective parts, you can begin healing your wounded inner child and reclaim your sense of self.
If you’ve read this far and are curious how IFS therapy can help you, you should probably book that free consult now or keep reading…
Practical Tips to Start Healing from Childhood Trauma
Practice mindfulness to ground yourself in the present moment and connect with your emotions. And let me guess, you probably hate sitting still or the thought of meditation makes you cringe. Yep, that’s normal when you have trauma!
Try journaling with prompts like, "What messages about myself did I internalize as a child?"
Consider booking a trauma intensive to start healing your past trauma. Imagine feeling in control of yourself rather than your emotions running the show, it would feel good, right? It’s possible.
FAQ: Answering Your Questions
What is Childhood Trauma, and How Does It Affect Adulthood?
Childhood trauma can shape who you become as an adult. It can lead to issues like emotional numbness, anxiety, and people-pleasing behavior, which continue into adulthood. Healing is possible with the right support.
How Do I Know If I Have Repressed Childhood Memories?
Repressed memories can be challenging to identify. If you notice emotional triggers or physical sensations without an apparent cause, it could be a sign of repressed memories. Therapy, like IFS, can help uncover and heal these memories.
What is IFS Therapy, and How Can It Help with Childhood Trauma?
IFS therapy is an approach that helps you heal from trauma by identifying and integrating the "parts" of yourself that hold the pain. It is particularly effective for childhood trauma, as it helps to reparent and heal the wounded inner parts.
Can Trauma Intensives Help in Healing from Childhood Trauma?
Yes, trauma intensives offer a healing experience that accelerates the emotional processing of deep-rooted trauma. These sessions allow for faster breakthroughs, often resulting in quicker emotional recovery.
Is It Possible to Heal from Childhood Trauma as an Adult?
Yes, healing from childhood trauma is entirely possible as an adult. With the right therapy, like IFS or trauma intensives, you can reconnect with the wounded parts of yourself and begin to heal.
Why is childhood trauma seen as the hidden epidemic? Schedule now to work with me!
If you’re struggling to move forward from a toxic relationship, let’s work together. I offer virtual trauma therapy and intensives across Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and all of Pennsylvania.
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Disclaimer: Listen, what you see here on my blog or social media isn’t therapy, it’s meant to educate, inspire, and maybe even help you feel a little less alone. But if you’re in it right now and need real support, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your state who can walk alongside you in your healing journey. Therapy is personal, and you deserve a space that’s all about you. If you’re in PA and looking for a trauma therapist who gets it, I’m currently accepting new clients for trauma intensives. Let’s fast-track your healing journey, because you deserve to feel better, sooner.
Research Brief Author: Mariah J. Zur, M.S., LPC, CCTP
About the Author: Mariah J. Zur, LPC is a trauma-informed therapist based in Pennsylvania, specializing in childhood trauma recovery, emotional healing, and helping individuals break free from toxic relationship patterns. With over 10 years of experience, Mariah uses evidence-based approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and trauma intensives to guide her clients through their healing journey. Passionate about empowering women to reclaim their emotional freedom, Mariah provides virtual and in-person therapy in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and across Pennsylvania. When she's not in the therapy room, she’s advocating for mental health awareness and supporting others in their personal transformation.
Expert Advice for Navigating Confusing Relationships
You’re smart, self-aware, and emotionally tuned in. Yet, you find yourself stuck in a relationship that’s painful and confusing. Why? It’s not a matter of willpower—it’s about how your brain has been wired to form attachments, especially in cycles of love and harm. This is called a trauma bond.
Key Highlights
Feeling confused in your relationship is more common than you know. It usually comes from insecurities, problems with talking to each other, and different expectations.
It is important to see the signs of a trauma bond. These can trap you in bad habits.
Setting clear boundaries is needed for a healthy relationship. This helps both partners feel safe and respected.
Talking openly is key to solving confusion. It helps you understand each other's needs and find a common ground.
Sometimes, getting help from a professional is the best way to sort out complex emotions and create a better relationship.
Understanding the Dynamics of Confusing Relationships
Confusing relationships are like trying to bake cookies without a recipe, you think you’re doing fine until you pull out a tray of burnt blobs and wonder where it all went wrong. One moment, things are sweet; the next, you’re left with a mess and a lingering question: “What am I doing wrong here?” Spoiler: It’s probably not just you. These relationships often lack clarity, often feel inconsistent, and may not provide emotional security. This confusion can happen for many reasons, including the flaws in communication, wrong expectations, or old relationship pains that come back to affect us now.
Here’s the tea: relationships get messy for a lot of reasons. Maybe the communication feels like a game of charades (“They said they’re fine, but now they’re giving me the silent treatment?”). Maybe the expectations are out of whack (“Why do I have to text first every single time?”). Or maybe those old emotional wounds you’ve been ignoring are creeping into your current relationship and stirring up chaos. To begin solving this confusion, we need to find out why it exists.
As a therapist, I hear this all the time. One client told me, “I feel like I’m always second-guessing what they mean, but then I wonder if I’m just being too sensitive.” Boom. There it is: the perfect storm of self-doubt, overthinking, and emotional ping-pong.
Here’s the truth: the confusion doesn’t start with them, it starts inside. If you’re not clear on who you are, what you want, and what you deserve, it’s easy to get caught up in drama that doesn’t need to exist. Low self-esteem and unresolved hurts? They’ll turn a simple misunderstanding into a full-blown existential crisis. (“Why didn’t they like my Instagram story? Do they even like me?”)
The first step to cutting through the confusion? We dig into the why. Why are you questioning yourself? Why do you feel unsteady in your relationship? And why are you caught in a cycle that leaves you doubting your worth? These aren’t easy questions, but we have to explore them to break free from the constant swirl of doubt and drama.
You deserve clarity, stability, and love that doesn’t feel like a constant guessing game. Let’s talk about how to get you there, because life’s too short to be stuck wondering if you’re the problem when the cookies don’t turn out right.
Why am I confused after communicating in my relationship?
Let’s be real: communication issues in relationships are like a bad Wi-Fi connection, messages get lost, signals are misread, and before you know it, you’re both frustrated. Misunderstandings, assumptions, and the oh-so-fun buildup of resentment don’t just appear out of nowhere. They thrive in the silence where honest conversations should be. A communication breakdown causes a lot of confusion in a romantic relationship. It l
As a therapist, I hear it all the time: “I don’t know why they don’t get it. I mean, I hinted at how I felt, but they didn’t do anything.” Meanwhile, their partner is over there like, “Hinted? I’m not a mind reader!” And that, my friends, is how the chaos begins. Good communication needs listening, empathy, and a desire to understand each other. It also means creating a safe space where both people feel okay to share without fear of being judged or ignored. The only way to fix communication problems is to face them directly.
Good communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about being heard. That means both partners need to listen (without plotting their next comeback), practice empathy (“Oh, so that’s why they’re mad”), and create a space where nobody’s afraid to speak up. You know, a space free from eye rolls and defensive walls. Because if you’re walking on eggshells or holding in your true feelings to “keep the peace,” that’s not peace, it’s repression with a side of resentment.
Fixing communication isn’t about dropping subtle hints or avoiding hard conversations. It’s about calling it out: “Hey, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. Can we talk about it?” Sure, it’s uncomfortable at first, but so is letting tension simmer until it boils over in a fight about dishes that’s not actually about dishes.
Here’s the thing: if you’re not aware of how you communicate, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Be open to feedback, even when it stings (yes, you interrupt sometimes). Practice active listening, even when you’d rather binge TikToks. And for the love of emotional growth, don’t just vent, share your actual feelings, needs, and concerns. This builds deeper understanding in your relationship.
Because when both of you show up ready to listen and actually try to understand each other? That’s when the real magic happens. And trust me, it’s way better than buffering in relationship limbo.
Is our relationship confusing because of mismatched expectations?
Everyone walks into a relationship with their own expectations, and most of the time, those expectations are about as compatible as pineapple on pizza (controversial, I know). These ideas come from past experiences, family values, and what you think love should look like. The problem? Your partner has their own playbook, and it’s probably not the same as yours.When these expectations do not match, it can cause problems and confusion.
Take this for example: one client told me, “I don’t get why they don’t prioritize spending time with me. That’s how I feel loved.” Meanwhile, their partner chimed in with, “But I washed your car and fixed the sink! That’s me showing love!” Cue the confusion. Both were giving 110%, but neither felt appreciated. Why? Because their expectations were in two completely different love languages.
Also, society’s views on relationships can make things even more complicated. Social media and rom-coms sell us these picture-perfect, love-at-first-sight relationships with grand gestures and no arguments. But in real life? Love is messy, people are flawed, and no one’s serenading you in the rain unless you’re paying them. The gap between what we dream of and what relationships really look like can leave us feeling disappointed, frustrated, and maybe a little confused.
So, how do we fix it? First, we get real about what you actually need in a relationship versus what you think you should want. I help clients navigate this by asking questions like, “What feels non-negotiable to you? What would make you feel seen, supported, and loved?”
It’s also about clear communication. This means sitting down and saying, “Hey, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. What’s something I can do that would make you feel loved?” Is it awkward? Sometimes. Is it worth it? Always. Relationships thrive on clarity and flexibility. Being open about what you need, and being willing to compromise, can transform “constant arguments” into “working together as a team.”
Let go of the unspoken rules and fairy tale fantasies. Instead, let’s build relationships on understanding, honesty, and shared reality. Because real love isn’t about meeting some unrealistic checklist, it’s about showing up, growing together, and finding joy in the beautifully imperfect connection you create.
Recognizing a Trauma Bond in Your Relationship
Let’s talk about trauma bonds, the sneaky little gremlins of toxic relationships. Sometimes, confusion in a relationship comes from a deeper issue called a trauma bond. These aren’t your average emotional attachments; they’re more like being stuck on a rollercoaster that only goes from really good to really awful with no stops in between. One day, you’re showered with love and affection (cue the love-bombing). The next, you’re walking on eggshells, bracing for the hurt. It’s addictive, it’s confusing, and it keeps you locked in a loop of hope and heartbreak.
As a therapist, I’ve seen it firsthand. One client said to me, “They’re not always bad. When it’s good, it’s amazing—like they really see me. But when it’s bad, I feel like I can’t breathe.” That’s the pull of a trauma bond: the highs are intoxicating, but the lows leave you questioning your worth and your reality. And this is where we become unhealthily attached to someone who acts harmfully, this is the cycle of abuse.
This isn’t about being weak or “stupid” for staying. Trauma bonds are a natural response to a toxic situation. Your brain gets hooked on the dopamine from the “good moments,” making it harder to walk away from the chaos. Add in the shame of thinking, “Why can’t I just leave?” and it’s no wonder you feel stuck. To get out of a trauma bond, we need to see it for what it is.
Breaking free starts with seeing the cycle for what it is. In sessions, I help clients name it: “That’s not love. That’s a pattern designed to keep you confused and controlled.” Naming it takes the power away from the shame and puts it back in your hands. From there, we work on building the courage and support system you need to step off the rollercoaster.
And no, it’s not easy. But with the right tools and therapist—like learning about boundaries, recognizing your worth outside of their validation, and reconnecting with your own voice—it’s 100% possible. Breaking a trauma bond isn’t just about leaving the person; it’s about reclaiming you.
Because let’s be real: you deserve a love that feels steady, safe, and supportive—not one that keeps you questioning your sanity.
Strategies to Navigate Through Confusing Times
Relationships can be messy, confusing, and downright exhausting. If you’re stuck wondering, “What’s happening here?” moments, it’s time to take a breath and understand why this is happening. The cure for relationship confusion isn’t found in vague assumptions or passive-aggressive comments—it’s in honest conversations and intentional action.
In my sessions, I often hear things like, “I don’t get why we’re always fighting, but I’m scared to bring it up. What if it just makes things worse?” Meanwhile, their partner might be sitting there, arms crossed, thinking, “If they would just tell me what’s wrong, we wouldn’t have these issues.” Sound familiar? That’s the confusion dance: no one’s talking honestly, everyone’s guessing, and clarity is nowhere to be found.
Fixing this starts with real, vulnerable communication. That means sitting down with your partner and saying, “Hey, I feel X when Y happens. Can we figure out what’s going on together?” And when they respond, actually listen—like, really listen. Not just to their words but to what they’re feeling. (Yes, even if their delivery is less than perfect.)
Healthy relationships aren’t magic—they’re work. They require effort on both sides to care for each other, understand each other’s needs, and navigate the messy stuff without bailing at the first sign of discomfort. And sometimes, getting through the messy stuff means calling in reinforcements.
This is where I step in as your outside perspective. I help clients identify what’s really going on beneath the surface—those unspoken fears, unmet needs, and underlying patterns that keep them stuck. Together, we break it down: What’s causing the disconnect? What needs aren’t being met? And how can we communicate those needs in a way that builds the relationship instead of walls?
So, if your relationship feels like it’s spinning in circles, start here: get honest, get curious, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Because the goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection. And trust me, that’s worth the work.
What are clear boundaries?
Let’s talk about boundaries, shall we? These aren’t just rules for other people—they’re your way of saying, “Here’s how I protect my peace and stay sane.” Think of boundaries as the ultimate relationship GPS. Without them? You’re driving blind, and spoiler alert: that’s how you end up in Hurt Feelings Town or Confusion City.
As a therapist, I often hear clients say things like, “I told them I need more alone time, but they keep showing up unannounced. Am I asking for too much?” Nope, you’re not asking for too much—you’re just not being heard. And that’s where boundaries come in. They’re not about controlling anyone else; they’re about clearly defining what works for you and sticking to it like your emotional health depends on it (because it does).
Step one: figure out what’s non-negotiable for you. Is it respect? Honest communication? Quality time? Space to binge your favorite show alone without interruptions? Whatever it is, get clear on it. This is your personal rulebook for relationships.
Step two: communicate those boundaries to your partner. Yes, this might feel awkward, but clarity is your friend here. Try something like, “Hey, I need X to feel good in this relationship. How does that feel for you?” Clear, kind, and to the point. Bonus points if you throw in a little humor to keep it light.
Step three (and this one’s crucial): stand by those boundaries with love and patience. At first, it might feel weird, like you’re asking for too much or rocking the boat. But here’s the thing: boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re how you protect your emotional well-being and create space for a relationship that’s healthy and balanced.
In sessions, I help clients navigate this all the time. For example, one client struggled with their partner constantly canceling plans. We worked together to identify their boundary: “If you commit to plans, I need you to follow through. If something comes up, I need clear communication.” Once they communicated this boundary—and stuck to it—their relationship became less chaotic and way more respectful.
And yes, there’s a chance some people won’t respect your boundaries. When that happens, you have every right to walk away from situations that harm your emotional health. Because at the end of the day, boundaries aren’t just about keeping the wrong people out—they’re about letting the right people in.
So, go ahead. Get clear, get vocal, and protect your peace like the beautiful badass you are. Boundaries: they’re not just important—they’re essential.
Seeking Professional Help and Guidance
So back to backing cookies… when the recipe is missing half the steps and the measurements are written in a language you don’t speak, it’s confusing. One minute, everything feels sweet and perfect, and the next, you’re staring at a burnt mess thinking, “How did this happen?”
Enter therapy—the place where you can finally lay out all your ingredients (aka feelings) and figure out what’s going wrong with the recipe. A good therapist doesn’t just hand you a new set of instructions and call it a day. (Although I wish it were that simple.) Instead, we dig into what’s working, what’s not, and why your relationship keeps coming out more “oops” than “yum.”
For example, a client once said, “I keep trying to tell my partner how I feel, but it always turns into a fight. Now I just stay quiet.” That’s like leaving out the sugar because you’re afraid the cookies will be too sweet. Sure, you’re avoiding one problem, but now your cookies (and your relationship) are flat and unsatisfying. In therapy, we unpack the why behind the silence, practice how to speak up without starting a five-alarm fire, and add just the right amount of sweetness to the mix.
And if you’re stuck in something heavier—like a trauma bond—it’s like trying to bake with an oven that keeps exploding. Trauma bonds are toxic and confusing, but they’re also incredibly hard to walk away from because they’re built on highs and lows that feel addictive. Therapy helps you stop blaming yourself for the chaos, understand why you’re stuck, and start creating something nourishing instead of harmful.
Choosing therapy isn’t a sign you’ve failed—it’s the ultimate glow-up. It means you care enough about yourself to say, “I deserve better than burnt cookies and emotional whiplash.” And honestly, you do. So, let’s roll up our sleeves, sort through the ingredients, and bake up something worth savoring.
Conclusion
So, if your relationship feels like a batch of cookies that keeps burning or crumbling, it’s time to take a step back and get the clarity you need. You don’t have to keep blindly following that broken recipe. Set your boundaries, get the support you deserve, and, most importantly, prioritize your emotional health. You’re not stuck in a never-ending loop of confusion and hurt—help is out there, and you have the power to turn things around. Because, at the end of the day, you deserve a relationship that’s sweet, satisfying, and baked with the right ingredients. Let’s get you back to enjoying that fresh, warm batch of love and happiness.
Ready to take the first step toward a healthier relationship? Click the button below and let’s get to work. Trust me, I’ve been there too—which is exactly why I specialize in helping you sort through this mess. I’m here to help you find the clarity you’ve been searching for!
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you know if you're in a trauma bond?
Trauma bonds are like staying in a relationship where you’re constantly on an emotional rollercoaster—one minute things are great, full of love and affection, and the next, you’re dealing with hurtful behavior or emotional abuse. It’s confusing and exhausting, but somehow you keep finding yourself going back for more, justifying their actions or telling yourself it’ll get better. You feel stuck, like you can't leave even though you know something’s off.
Can a confusing relationship become healthy again?
Absolutely, but it’s not going to happen by just hoping for the best or waiting for a miracle. It takes honest conversations (even when it’s uncomfortable), hard work, and a mutual desire to grow together. Think of it like clearing out the clutter in your closet—you're going to have to deal with that pile of old stuff you’ve been avoiding, set some boundaries (no, your ex’s sweatshirt doesn't need to stay), and finally put things in order. That’s how we get to the hidden issues that have been festering in the relationship. Sometimes, a little extra help from a professional (yup, that’s me!) can give you the guidance you need to break old habits and create better communication.
What steps can I take to improve communication with my partner?
It’s not just about talking more—it’s about actually hearing each other. Start with active listening—really listening, not just planning your next argument while they’re talking. Show empathy, even if you're about ready to throw the remote at the TV. Then, practice sharing your needs and feelings clearly and kindly. I’ve had plenty of clients say, “I told them what I need!” but the way they said it was more like "screaming with a side of sarcasm," so let’s avoid that. If you’re still stuck, it might be time to bring in some professional help. I work with clients to untangle communication issues and help them learn to truly hear and understand each other.